Sunday, March 8, 2009

...across the room to raise a question.....

THERE SEEMS TO BE AN EPIDEMIC!  No, it's not a physical sickness.  I'm talking about the number of divorces taking place these days.  It just simply breaks my heart.  Not only do I see the sadness of the loss of the dream of being happily married for life in the eyes of the couples involved....there is the sadness of a loss for the immediate and extended family as well.  Why does it affect everyone so intensely?
I have a saying about difficult situations and that is "go back to the beginning" or "go back to the basics".  So let's try going back to the beginning.  Two people meet, fall in love, announce their engagement not only to their family but to friends and most times to anyone reading the local newspaper.  The wedding is planned, and events like showers are organized to honour and support the happy couple.  Some choose to be married at exotic locations but most times have also been "showered" or there might be a get-together to bless them when they return home. Most times family and friends get in on the celebrating one way or another.  It is one of the happiest occasions of our lives and it is a celebration we like to share with those we love.
The question I would like to ask is that when the couple separates and later divorces, why is it that they often think that it is nobody else's business but their own?  Suddenly all the people included in the celebrating are supposed to forget any of it ever happened?  And heaven forbid they should try to help in any way!    Should this be something both families ought to get involved in?  My sons-in-law have been accepted into my family as my very own sons.  I know I would grieve painfully if they should suddenly leave our family.  I have to wonder if there would be fewer divorces if both families got involved to help the couple through the difficulties in their marriage.   It seems to me that if a group of people could successfully see their loved ones through some marriage difficulty everyone involved wins.  The couple would realize what a tremendous support system they have for any future issues and the extended family ties would be stronger than ever.  I just can't help but think there has to be some way of preventing all this sadness that affects so many more people than simply the couple involved.  What do you think?


Mark said...

Wow, those are deep questions about a big subject! Like you I am absolutely appalled at the high rate of divorces out there. And you are so right; divorce affects more then the couple themselves - there are friends, family, etc who also grieve the loss. Divorce is never civil, it is always painful - whether people realize it or not.

That being said, apparently the rate of divorces increasing has stopped and even gotten a bit better. It seems like we've hit the bottom.

Would it help for families to become more involved? Probably, if the family is mature and supports the relationship more then the individual. Without a couple focus, most family interventions fail. You need to be ministering to both people at the same time.

What is causing all of this divorce? I would say many factors and every couple in crisis is different. I think proper marital preparation, pre-counselling of wounded partners before marriage, etc could all help. Also, there are (in my opinion) a lot of marriages that could be saved with the proper intervention, counseling, and support.

Important topic Mom!

Elayne said...

I agree Mark, that many marriages could be saved with the proper intervention. Dr. Phil says that in the case of divorce and re-marriage, the second marriage will not be as good as it could be unless the wounds have been looked after. He encourages taking ownership of each persons part in the break-up of the marriage relationship, proper apologies and forgiveness. He also says that few people would get divorced if these steps were taken and I sure agree with that.
Thanks for your comments, Mark!

Michele said...

That's what you and Dad did with John and I when we were having problems. It was good and it helped and John felt supported just as much as I did. We couldn't have made it through that time without you!

I love you Mom!!! Thank you (and Dad) for supporting us in our marriage!

Elayne said...

Yeah, Michele, I guess we did! I could have used that as my example!
So let me see. What was that like from the other side of the equation? Well I have to say it seemed a very invasive thing to do. But I guess when desperation sets in and you feel like unless you do something you are going to lose just roll up your sleeves and start working! I know that it was done because of our love for both of you and look at the rewards now!!!! I'm glad I got involved!