....across the room to cry....

I go to visit a very dear elderly lady in a nursing home on a regular basis and today was the day to visit my dear Katie.  Most days she recognizes me immediately but lately she can not remember my name.  Her memory is not what it used to be but I don't mind repeating myself to her at all.  These days she asks at least five times during my visit whether I work at the nursing home and each time I tell her that I do not.  As her memory fails her so does the English language and more and more she slips into her familiar German tongue.  I understand a good amount of her speech but not nearly all of it.   Today we agreed that I would try to learn more of her German language and she would try to learn English from me.   She is very patient with me but insists I use correct pronunciation.  What a great teacher!  We had some good laughs and I was surprised how much German I could come up with.  It was fun and funny at the same time.

Katie is always happy for company.  Nursing homes can be lonely places and it seems there is never enough company for these seniors and Katie is no exception.  I try to visit for an hour each time I go and today it seemed that hour slipped by in no time at all.  Katie loves to have me pray for her and I always do so before I leave.  After I've done that I have to offer my cheek for some kisses because Katie is the kissing kind....usually three in succession!  She always expresses much appreciation for my visits but today she took me completely by surprise as she quietly exclaimed  "THIS I did not dream!"  and as I left her room I could hear her heartfelt  "tank you, tank you, tank you!"  I took another look back as I walked through her door and caught the kisses she was blowing my way as the tears began to flow, washing away the wet kisses Katie left on my cheek.   I was reminded once again how just a little effort and one hour out of my day can completely change another persons day.  Besides, whenever I leave my dear Katie I'm never quite sure who was more blessed during that hour!   Yes, we shared some good laughs, but today Katie made me cry.

...a walk across the room to relax?

I'm not even sure I should be writing anything today.  I have the worst cold/flu ever and am stuck at home trying to be good to myself.  Drugs help a lot.  Every morning I wake up thinking today I'll feel a lot better than yesterday and then  realize I have a new symptom and actually feel worse than the day before.  Last night I told my husband "I sure feel useless this week" and he said "No, you need to rest and besides, you are still doing things".  I thought about that this morning.  In spite of how I've felt this week my laundry is done, including bedding, I've put food on the table, made his brown bag lunch every day much to his coworkers chagrin,  and even did a few errands including some office work.  I've kept up with what is necessary daily and yet there is this restlessness about me that I find hard to shake.  I'm talking about all that to my mind needs doing that I don't have the energy to do.  The old adage "Starve a fever, feed a cold" is the one thing I'm pretty good at.  Since I'm an all or nothing kind of girl and have BOTH,  I decided to focus on the later and just continue to eat well! .... or at least lots!

Prior to this weekend I spent two consecutive weeks completely focused on preparing material for a Retreat I was speaking at.  I would write or read for a few hours and then I thought I was doing something good for my body by going for a one hour walk.  Not just any walk.  Definitely not a leisurely walk.  Not this girl.  All or nothing!  Up the hill and down again times three and finding any paths that were not even terrain.  Often I would do that twice per day.  I realize now that those two weeks were hard enough on me without the rigorous  "over exercise" and by the time I was done my speaking engagement I knew I was completely exhausted.

I've always known I have a hard time relaxing at home.  During my years of full time plus on call work my husband would whisk me away to the big city when he realized I was in need of extra rest.  He could always tell before I was aware of my need.  (I KNOW!  What a guy!)  Whenever I think of REALLY relaxing I think of being somewhere other than at home.  Not very realistic I guess.  I can't always be going away to relax.  A nice long ride on my motorbike during the summer months is definitely one of my ways of relaxing.  But I do think I need to learn to relax better in my own home.  I think a good start would be to stop feeling guilty about not having done everything I think needs to be done and just enjoy my beautiful surroundings right where I am.  Live and relax in the moment.  See how good it is just to get this down in print to go back again and again to be reminded?!

Back to my ginger/lemon/honey tea and then another little nap :)

...across the room to share some abnormalities.....

When I hear about some of the antics of my grand-babies I am reminded of my own growing up years and some of the things that I did way back then. The eyes in this picture belong to one of my beautiful grand-babies. I don't think my eyes were ever this pretty but I remember wanting pretty eyes, lips, hair, etc. Make-up was not allowed in our house. I remember my mother wearing only powder "to take the shine off" and for cheek colour.....well, she would pinch them! I was probably ten or eleven when I began seeing flaws in myself and thinking of innovative remedies for a more beautiful face. I saved my pennies and together with my cousin purchased the cheapest hair dye in the bluest black colour we could find. She dyed mine; I dyed hers and that night we slept on the metal curlers in our hair. My natural hair was almost blue black to begin with but my mind told me I would wake up to a completely transformed "woman" and in the morning ran to the bathroom to get the curlers out of my hair to admire my new look. I could have died when all I could see was WHITE all over my head! No more secrets for this ten year old as I ran from the bathroom to the kitchen to take whatever I would have coming for doing something so WRONG behind my parent's backs and hopefully get some advice from my mother about what to do with this hair before school! It turned out the dye was probably so old it turned into a powder as it dried and was easily rinsed out and my mother realized I had learned enough without any admonishment from her!

You'ld think I would have learned my lesson? Eyes were next on the agenda. The same cousin (3 years my senior!) told me that if you cut your eyelashes they will grow back looooong and curled! That's all the encouragement I needed as a 10 year old! I found a pair of small scissors and off they came! May as well continue with the beauty regime and attack those pale lips while I was at it! Memory fails me regarding the colour and it may have been just a plain gloss but since we did not own lipstick I thought a longer lasting application might be found in nail polish. I always did these things just before bed time. All I can say is "MY POOR MOTHER" although she's probably laughing it up in heaven if she has time to think about these memories there! For the next few days I suffered through the worst case of self inflicted chapped lips ever! I tried peeling it off but my skin would come off right along with it. A painful lesson to be cemented into my memory for life!

I admit I was aware of how desperately my mother tried to cover her disbelief and nearly uncontrollable laughter as I showed up time and again almost unrecognizable some days. Eyebrows cut off with the same little pair of scissors and drawn in again with the artful style of a ten year old; haircuts too embarrassing for any girl my age to admit to and equally embarrassing for my poor Mom probably although she had the best sense of humor! I remember desperately wanting a slim skirt which my mother would not make for me so I found a long piece of fabric and sewed the two ends together to make a tube (who needs waist bands, zippers or hems anyway?!) tried it on and hid behind the washing machine since I was supposed to be helping with the laundry that day. I could tell my mother saw what I was wearing and I just knew she left the room to laugh her face off and not to "get something". Next I found a bra that actually fit around my slight frame but of course I had nothing to put into the cups so I stuffed them with socks and pranced around in the back yard like that! If you could see me now you would see that my face is red.

One day my cousin applied the nicest shade of red lipstick to my lips when we were outside one evening and assured me it would come off without any problem. Before she left I wiped it off until she assured me there wasn't a trace left. Of course we had no mirror for me to see for myself. She was older and I trusted her. I can still see the look on my mother's face when I walked in the door and the near explosion of laughter. I even remember my father's eyebrows way up in his hairline and the look he gave my mother. It meant "she needs soap and she needs it NOW!" To make matters worse, they had company in the house to witness this ten year old "rebellion"!

This post could be SO LONG but if I continue you might think I was, well, abnormal?

I think it is good to revisit the past. Especially when you are raising children and they are doing and saying things that begin to scare you a little. Just remember me. I turned out OK. I'm almost normal!!

...a walk across the room for a little disturbance....

Disturb Us, Lord - 1577

A Prayer by Francis Drake

Disturb us, Lord, when We are too well pleased with ourselves When our dreams have come true Because we dreamed too little, When we arrived safely Because we sailed too close to the shore. Disturb us, Lord, when With the abundance of things we possess We have lost our thirst For the Waters of Life; Having fallen in love with life, We have ceased to dream of eternity And in our efforts to build a new earth, We have allowed our vision Of the new Heaven to dim. Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly, To venture on wider seas Where storms will show your mastery: Where losing sight of land We shall find the stars. We ask you to push back The horizons of our hopes; And to push us in the future In strength, courage, hope, and love.

...across the room to make a list.....

It just seems to be the right time of year to make a list. Maybe it's because of Valentine's Day, or that February is Heart Month, or that I am so looking forward to spending a week away with my husband that my heart is filled with gratitude and thoughts of love, good times and good things, or it could be that the self centered, rude, annoying bride on TV that I can't imagine anyone wanting to marry makes me so grateful for my life. I felt like making a list of some of the stuff that I like, love, puts a smile on my face, brings me joy.... here it is....in no particular order..... and definitely a condensed version :)

my husband

babies

perfume

perogies

my life

duets

baths

Prada

coffee

good conversation

stars

Jesus

bread

spontaneity

pure soap

quiet

senior citizens

white sheets

Arbonne make-up primer

grandbabies

candles

laughs

cotton

rings

children

city lights

Jane Austin

Christmas

my home made laundry detergent

Bible

trees

Mom's notes to me

puppies

bra-less at home

ideas

lotion

mountains

laugh lines

daughter time

uninterrupted sleep

red

Doc Martin

architecture

Easter

friends

clean scents

good writing

French accent

my house

yoga pants

my bathroom chandelier

chocolate

jokes

learning

shoes that fit

spa days

My Harley

forgiveness

art

humor

walks

a finished project

red rock

God

...across the room into my office/laundry room....

I'm so glad this freezing cold hasn't affected my brain so much that I couldn't have thought of cleaning out my office/laundry room this week. Who knew it would take a week of picking away at it to get it to the place where I know that if I open a door or drawer it will be neat, tidy and clean.

I also had no idea what a treasure of memories would be unearthed in all those binders and file folders. Just call me PackRat from now on! I absolutely must share some of my treasures with you.

Like a list of similies and metaphors emailed to me by a friend which included:

*Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

*She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

*The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.

Then there are the emails my little grandson dictated for me to send to some family members, like:

*Dear Papa, I wish you would let me go home but I can't go home yet at dark. But why? Because I'm a boy that's all I am. No, because I'm a bigger boy. That's why.

*Dear Uncle "L", I hope I miss you. Uncle "L", guess what I did. I skated with my class and that is why I miss you all day long.

....and then the response from Uncle "L".... "WOW! You can skate! I like that! You have to come and visit me soon because pretty soon you will be a Gretzky and then you won't have time to visit an old old cowboy uncle!"

Next I found the cookbook I made for a skit I did with a friend..."Emergency 911 KOOKING BOOK....meatless cooking with toe fu by famous french chefs Shee-Shee and Fee-Fee LaFlour. Some of the chapters are: French massage while cooking; Something could be in the oven; Afrodezzeeak cooking with oysters, peanut butter, all natural, in ze raw, it could be sushi or it could be someting else...ve vill let you figure dat out on your own! Oh my! We did have fun with that! LOL! That was our second book. The first one was called ""Celebrity Kooks...baking for dummies by Shee-Shee and Fee-Fee LaFlour.

Of course I kept all the knock knock jokes I used to tell my grandbabies. They loved them. "Knock knock", "Who's there?" "Jewel", "Jewel who?" "Jewel know who when you open the door". They always begged for more and I made sure to memorize some for meal time laughs :)

I came across a heart wrenching letter from a young family member struggling with some very difficult issues and trying to find her way through, and the most lovely poems, songs and letters from my daughters, a letter from a special old auntie, and so much more. Imagine my surprise at finding four sets of markers of every colour under the sun and reams of paper for the grandkids to use when they visit when I thought all that I had was in my kitchen junk drawer!

Shredders are miraculous machines. I don't know what I would have done without ours. Three large garbage bags of shredded paper is already stuffed into the recycling container and I could probably fill another two or three. I'm still hoarding, I know that. Next time around I will do as my grandson does and I will perhaps work up the courage to "face my fears" of shredding something I think I may want to read ten years down the road. Oh well, I've made a start and my office has experienced a much needed purge!

Having said that, I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping those wonderful memories and allowing them space in our homes. All these precious pieces of paper warmed my heart and put a smile on my face as they reminded me of all the beautiful people God has placed in my life. I am SO BLESSED!

...across the room into the beauty of my back yard...

My house is quiet. The evergreens in my back yard stand still and the white blanket of snow covering the ground just lies there doing it's thing. A few dollops of snow cling to the colourful red, green and gold swag I hung on one of the patio bistro chairs. The porch swing is empty and still in the middle of the yard. This is the scene I get to see through my patio doors and windows. The view is so incredibly restful I can not even turn on the Christmas music. No camera could capture the peace this yard speaks to me today. I can identify with Fanny in Jane Austen's Mansfield Park when she said "Here's harmony! Here's repose! Here's what may tranquilize every care, and lift the heart to rapture!"

I have to admit my heart has been lifted to rapture this month as I have gazed in wonder at the beauty of the outdoors, especially the fresh blanket of snow as it glistens in the sunlight. It seems I'm being spoken to about peace, quiet and rest this Christmas season. Even the deer I meet as my friend and I go for our morning walks are quiet creatures. As I wrote the last sentence, Buzz, my neighbours very black cat quietly padded across my back yard, stopping long enough to glance at me through the patio doors. Buzz is a peaceful cat who tries his level best to keep out of trouble. See what I mean? Peace.

Sometimes it seems these peaceful moments are created for me and sometimes I get to order my days in a way that brings calm and rest to my very being. Sooner or later though something happens that disturbs that serenity. In the case of my back yard it could be a strong north wind catching that lovely blanket of snow, lifting it up and tossing it against the windows. The trees no longer would be standing still and the swing might begin to creek as it gets tossed back and forth in the wind. I have no control over a disturbance such as this. I can create my own calm space from time to time only to be disrupted for various reasons.

As much as I sometimes enjoy the hustle and bustle of city life I do enjoy the peace and quiet whenever I can get it. I always seem to be very aware though that those moments have time limits attached to them and I never know when the changes will take place.

This got me thinking some deeper thoughts today. Thoughts about the peace that I have deep inside me that has become stable, sure, and permanent. The peace I'm referring to can not be created by us. It has to come from God since He is the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:5..."For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.") The reason I say this peace inside me HAS BECOME stable, sure and permanent is because as I have immersed myself in God's love letter (the Bible) to us and learned to know more about Him and His character...who He really is, my knowledge has increased and along with that my faith and trust in Him. I believe that what He says is true and with that comes that deep settled peace. As I'm learning to trust Him and apply what He teaches I realize that peace abides in my very being. Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God. And the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

That peace from the PRINCE OF PEACE far surpasses any temporary peaceful place we may find ourselves in and also takes us through all the ups and downs of our lives. It really is true that we don't have to worry or be anxious about anything and if we talk to God about our troubles He will give us a peace that humanly is unexplainable! It guards our hearts and protects our minds in a way that we cannot even understand! May you experience that sure, forever peace in your lives this Christmas Season and throughout the New Year!