...across the room to communicate...

Interestingly enough, after I composed my last post on friendship I ended up listening to a sermon on "Communicating in Relationships" in church this past sunday! In my post I related an incident with a friend some years ago who asked me to stop doing something. I mentioned that it wasn't so much what she said as the manner in which she said it. I can still see her body language to this day! Our speaker in church informed us that communication is done largely through body language, secondly through the way the words are spoken and least important are the words we speak. Interesting! At least, apparently this is how we remember the communication.

He said that there are a number of communication killers. They are arrogance, having all the answers, smugness; withdrawal, which basically means ignoring the issues and pretending there are none; lack of sensitivity; mistrust; and accusations. Accusations put an end to most conversation.

Communication builders were presented as being acceptance; empathy, honesty, discretion, responsibility (if you're wrong, admit it), forgiveness, listening, and prayer.

He concluded by saying that communication is a choice and that healthy relationships begin with healthy communication. At least that is what I remember of the sermon. I would say that relationships can survive only by constant healthy communication.

Whenever my husband and I keep saying "I thought you....." I know we have been too busy and there has not been enough healthy communicating, meaning it's time to have a little chat :)

...across the room for a Charlie Brown friendship....

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you. -Charlie Brown to Snoopy”

Doesn't that just give you that warm fuzzy feeling we all love to feel? Isn't that the kind of friend we all want to be able to count on when the going gets rough? Are these not the kind of people we want to be around on the good days too?

Friendships take time to develop. Some people seem to cultivate friendships much faster than others. I do not trust easily so I take my time making friends. When we moved to a new city some years ago I did not know anybody in this new place. It didn't take long to notice that mere acquaintances were referring to me as a friend. I realized then that the definition of what a friend is varies from person to person. My definition of a friend was someone who had proved themselves to me. For me it's all about trust, mutual respect, honesty, loyalty and love. Someone has said that every betrayal begins with trust. When trust is broken it is extremely difficult to re-establish again. It is not impossible but it does take time. I guess that is the reason I don't trust easily. During my life time so far I have experienced what betrayal feels like and I think that I can honestly say it is something I absolutely hate. That's a strong word, I know. Betrayal brings out the worst in people it seems. When it happens the one who is guilty usually does not want to admit even to themselves what they have done. Often that means the pain of the betrayal is made worse by lies to try to cover up the offense. The one who has been betrayed hurts deeply. Good friendships require huge investments. Most often it means investing a lot of our time with that person and taking the risk of sharing thoughts and ideas that one would not share with anyone else. Betraying that kind of trust just simply wrecks a friendship up for a long time and often a life time.

Life is difficult says Scott Peck. How we solve our problems will determine how difficult our lives will be. When a friendship is broken we get to chose how to deal with it. Do we drop the relationship; do we repair it; or do we let it slide and pretend it didn't happen. Personally I would have a very hard time pretending nothing happened and try to continue the relationship. Years ago a friend of mine asked me in a very angry manner to stop doing something I was doing that she did not like. I agreed to stop doing what I was doing even though I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. In fact, I thought I was helping her. I was OK with stopping what I was doing in order to preserve our friendship. What bothered me was the way she spoke to me. She spoke out of anger in a very disrespectful manner and she talked down to me. She never apologized for that and I never forgot it. We are friends to this day but our friendship can only go so far. I can't quite trust her. Sad. I know. I feel like I have to protect myself from her.

When I think about my friends I realize I have many different kinds of friends in my life. Some I have not chosen...they seemed to chose me. These tend to be the more difficult relationships. Others were formed through mutual interests. These are usually easy going, light hearted, and fun but do not lend themselves to meaningful, thought provoking conversation and sharing. The best friendships are the ones that just seemed to happen before I knew what was happening. They are rare, scarce and extremely precious to me. I would do anything for these wonderful people in my life. I will always watch out for them, care for them and love them with all my heart. They have my loyalty, my trust, and my respect. These are the people in my life that I like to have around. Days spent with them are smooth sailing days. They are my Charlie Brown friendships!

..across the room to talk about scenery and hotels.....

As a rule, when we are on vacation we like to stay in nice hotels. By now our requirements include: king bed with white bedding, proper window treatments (trust me, this is important!) spotless lobby, clean look and smell! Is that too much to ask? It does happen though that we come across something like this little cabin near a spotless little town and for some reason we just can't resist to spend at least one night. And so it was this year again. It wasn't fancy but it was cute and clean. As we walked into town for dinner we came across the cactus complete with berries. I think they are beautiful. I don't want to touch them or sit on them but I do like to gaze at these amazing plants! The next day we just had to stop to take a picture of these awesome red rock formations. They look so fantastic with the sun lighting them up. I took some pictures the day before at dusk but they are all blurred for some reason so this is all I have. I have to say they look much better on site than they do on pictures.

Back to the business of choosing a hotel. Some things we look for that we found are tell tale signs of what the room will look like are: if the lobby is not pristine, neither are the rooms. It is a sure sign. Likewise, if the staff are unkempt, so is the hotel. We do not even walk through the front door if we see that there are boxes or whatever pushed up against the window coverings of the office/front desk. If they have junk in the front office or lobby the rest of the hotel will be a reflection of that. Without fail, if you can see disarray through the windows when you drive up to a hotel there will be issues with your room. The condition of planters and shrubs in front of the hotel are another indication of how much care is taken inside. Even better, a drive around the hotel will further illustrate the cleanliness of the hotel. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!

...across the room to explore for awhile....

That's it! The holiday is over and it's time to check out the pictures, talk and reminisce a little. For all my family and friends aware of my previously mentioned bird phobia (esp. crows!) I did go into this Bistro and I did eat and no, it wasn't crow! My definition of this year's bike trip is "The trip of many losses". I've never lost so much stuff on any one trip before! We hadn't even left the country when I noticed that one of my boot suspenders was missing. They were genuine Harley, not cheap, and besides, I LIKED them! Some time later I lost the cap for my beer mug used strictly for water or coffee may I add! I cannot ride my bike without some form of liquid to replenish myself so I bought a new mug. A few miles later I lost the top for that one as well. I noticed it was gone when we stopped to commit to memory the most spectacular wall of red rock and in trying to take the ear plug out of my ear so we could hear one another I realized it was stuck in there. This afforded my husband the opportunity to try his hand at some minor ear surgery with my cuticle instrument! He was a smashing success and of course the surgery came complete with appropriate ear plug size instructions!! In Red River, N. Mexico I lost my camera and found it later at the local lost and found centre thanks to a wonderfully honest and good woman from Texas! The holiday wasn't a total loss though. Paging through my journal I see my guy and I had some good conversations. We covered topics like the difference between falling in love and actual love; psychotherapy vs. psychoanalysis; how to celebrate our big anniversary next year; grandbabies, of course, and the books we were reading, among other topics! I enjoyed three weeks of not having to cook and consequently the plethora of restaurants to choose from every day! Can we say HEAVENLY?!! My journal mentions riding under the vast sunny clear blue Wyoming sky; having to dawdle through an extraordinary winding mountain pass behind a group of inexperienced bikers who didn't have the humility to step aside to let others pass (GGRRRRR) and enjoying a good laugh when my husband told me later he had been singing to himself "these are not my people, no no no, these are not my people!"; enjoying the ride through Montana with Ian Tyson's song rattling around in my head "Meet me in Montana, underneath those big Montana skies!" Yeah, we like music! As usual, we met interesting people when we felt like mixing with the crowd and otherwise just simply enjoying our own togetherness!! Whatever shall we do next year?

..across the room for some thought provoking reading...

It's summer! My idea of summer is that the days should be long, slow paced, and they should include colorful salads to eat, blue skies, laziness, sunshine, lemonade, and books! I've already finished a few books and here is the rest of my list of books to read during the next few weeks of summer...."Out of the Depths" by John Newton (an autobiography); "the Six Miracles of Calvary" by William R. Nicholson; "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert; "Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, M.D.; "Cast of Characters" by Max Lucado. My reading material basket includes a journal for writing down anything I want to make sure to remember, and a Sudoku Book to give my brain a rest!! It also includes my Bible and Oswald J. Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest".

My first pick is "The Road Less Traveled". I've just begun reading it. His very first sentence intrigued me and I have had a hard time putting it down. "Life is difficult" writes Peck. He maintains that once we 'get' that life is difficult, understand and accept it, then life is no longer difficult and that's because it just doesn't matter any more. Since life is basically a series of problems that need to be solved we need to discipline ourselves to solve these problems. Peck teaches that discipline involves delayed gratification, accepting responsibilities, dedication to truth and balancing....tools we all have at our fingertips ready to be used to solve the difficulties of life! That's just the beginning. I can't wait to really get into this book to see what else he has to say. His style is easy to read and understand. Who knows....I may even decide to write a book report later :)

Enjoy the rest of your summer and especially your books! I know I will!

....across the room to sing bare foot!

I've gone AWOL from my blog for awhile and I think it's time to come back. Those of my readers that know me well will also know that we have experienced another loss in our family lately and therefore I have been away for awhile. The loss I'm speaking of was my husband's brother-in-law who was on a motorbike trip to spend a few days with us. The day he was to arrive I baked a ham, made scalloped potatoes, and a nice salad for dinner. His wife who was traveling by car had arrived late in the afternoon and informed us that her husband would probably be arriving an hour later. Dinner was ready, the table was set for four, and we finally decided to eat without him. We cleared the table except for his place setting, thinking he would arrive sooner or later. Hours later we received the call. I had been following the blog of an acquaintance of mine whose young husband was obviously dying and I was so impressed at the way she was handling her situation. It seemed she was saying her good-byes for at least a week. In our case, this was day two of a three week vacation and their minds were on relaxation, good times, seeing family and a one week bike ride and rally together as husband and wife. I just couldn't imagine what it would be like to suddenly switch gears, pack up and go home to make funeral arrangements! She did what she had to do though, and I think she did a great job. The services truly were a celebration of the life he lived and the life he stepped into from here on in. The following was a song he sang the sunday prior to the accident and I believe it is a good indication of what he was all about. When I listen to this song now, I imagine Larry singing at the top of his lungs in his bare feet because when he felt that he was in the presence of God he took his shoes off! Sing it, Larry!! (The pic is Larry on my bike last summer)

THE RIVER ..... by Brian Doerksen

To the river, I am going,

bringing sins I cannot bear

Come and cleanse me, come forgive me

Lord I need to meet you there.

Precious Jesus, I am ready

To surrender every care.

Take my hand now, lead me closer

Lord I need to meet you there.

In these waters, healing mercy

Flows with freedom from despair

I am going, to that river

Lord I need to meet you there.

Precious Jesus, I am ready

To surrender every care.

Take my hand now, lead me closer

Lord I need to meet you there.

Come and join us in the river

Come find rest beyond compare

He is calling, He is waiting

Jesus longs to meet us all there.

Precious Jesus, I am ready

To surrender every care.

Take my hand now, lead me closer

Lord I need to meet you there.

....across the room to share deeply.....

King of my life, I crown Thee now,
Thine shall the glory be;
Lest I forget Thy thorn crowned brow,
Lead me to Calvary.

Lest I forget Gethsemane,
Lest I forget Thine agony;
Lest I forget Thy love for me,
Lead me to Calvary.

May I be willing, Lord, to bear
Daily my cross for Thee;
Even Thy cup of grief to share,
Thou hast borne all for me.

THE WAY I SEE IT.....

I was amazed again yesterday when God used a song to bring me to a new place in my life. A place where I have wanted to be for a long time. The life of a follower of Jesus Christ is a journey and on this journey we never totally arrive....until we get to heaven that is. This journey is a sure thing; it is real, ongoing, and it is marked with hills, valleys, meadows, streams, doors, windows, and brick walls! It is a personal journey and we go at our own speed. Jesus NEVER pushes us. If we want to stop for any reason He lets us do that. Meanwhile He patiently waits until we are ready to take His hand and walk with Him again. While we walk He talks to us, listens to us and makes sure that we have everything we need for the journey. If we pick up any baggage along the way He sits down and waits until we are ready to go on without anything that will weigh us down. So this is where I was yesterday and have been for some time. I picked up some stones and found myself facing a brick wall. Jesus was right there. Sitting! He just simply SAT DOWN! And when He decides to sit everything stops! It's not comfortable there. We THINK it is at times, but it's not. We hang on to those stones, feeling the weight of them, the smoothness and in some cases the rough spots. Some even seem to sparkle and almost resemble jewels. They are not jewels though. They are just stones and there are many where those came from. The more we hold them, look at them, the more we want to take them with us but He says "No, they have to stay here. When you put them down we can continue our journey". I had several stones I was carrying. The one I just had not been able to put down was one I named Anger. For some time now, I have been picking that one up again and again. I put it down for a bit but we didn't get far on our journey when I would go back and pick it up again.

The anger. I believe the anger had accumulated over some time. I called it "righteous anger" because people I loved dearly were being hurt and I was going to make sure they would be OK. I did everything I could think of to help but in the end it wasn't enough. There was nothing I could do to change their situation and I felt like a failure. The anger towards those inflicting the pain was overwhelming and all-consuming. And why did God not do something about these people! Why did He allow them to continue inflicting pain? At the very least, could He not just stop them? I saw no reason why He would not want to do something. Shamefully, some of my anger was directed at my Saviour!

As usual, God was concerned about what was going on in MY life and MY relationship with HIM. He wanted to get MY attention and deal with ME. I belong to Him and I was letting this anger come between us. As soon as we let anything come between us and God our relationship suffers. As I said earlier, He sat down and waited for me to decide when I wanted to scale that brick wall! It was up to me. My choice, and yet He was right there all the time. He never once left me alone!

Not surprisingly, I was behind the wheel once again when He got my attention. The car or my motorbike seem to be the places God meets with me when we need to do some serious business. On my way home I heard the song I posted above. Until then I had been deep in thought about what was going on in my life and the anger that just would not dissipate. "KING OF MY LIFE"! Really? How can I let Him be King of my life when I choose to wallow in this state of anger? (Ephesians 4:26 "...and don't sin by letting anger control you" NLT) Had I forgotten that Jesus had suffered and died for ALL my sin? How could I possibly hang on so tightly to this stone of anger that was weighing me down! I poured out my heart to God, admitting my sin and asking for forgiveness. My right hand shot up as I repeated the song "KING OF MY LIFE I CROWN THEE NOW" and sang along in my broken faltering voice from the bottom of my heart, the depths of my very being with tears streaming down my face. I'm a pro at driving and crying by now. I've had lots of practice! My hand removed that "crown" I had placed on my life and put in on the KING of my life where it should have been all along. I repeated that song at least five times before I could sing without the tears streaming down my face. Then I asked Him if I ever pick up another pebble to please remind me of Calvary. Gethsemane...and His love for me!

So much changed for me last night. First of all the headache I had suffered with for days was gone! Praise God! When I woke up this morning I jumped out of bed, wide awake, ready for this new "anger-less" day. I breezed through every situation today that would have angered me yesterday and was actually able to laugh at some of the incompetence of a business we have had to deal with lately that was driving me absolutely nuts. Sin in one area multiplies like crazy. Anger directed at one or two people soon mushrooms into anger at anyone wrecking up your perfect ways and plans. It's like an incurable disease. However, the Great Physician is all about curing these types of diseases in our lives that rob us of the relationship He offers us. "Greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world!" I feel like I've stepped through a door into a brand new room. I can't wait to explore all the treasures waiting for me in this new place!