...across the room to communicate...

Interestingly enough, after I composed my last post on friendship I ended up listening to a sermon on "Communicating in Relationships" in church this past sunday! In my post I related an incident with a friend some years ago who asked me to stop doing something. I mentioned that it wasn't so much what she said as the manner in which she said it. I can still see her body language to this day! Our speaker in church informed us that communication is done largely through body language, secondly through the way the words are spoken and least important are the words we speak. Interesting! At least, apparently this is how we remember the communication.

He said that there are a number of communication killers. They are arrogance, having all the answers, smugness; withdrawal, which basically means ignoring the issues and pretending there are none; lack of sensitivity; mistrust; and accusations. Accusations put an end to most conversation.

Communication builders were presented as being acceptance; empathy, honesty, discretion, responsibility (if you're wrong, admit it), forgiveness, listening, and prayer.

He concluded by saying that communication is a choice and that healthy relationships begin with healthy communication. At least that is what I remember of the sermon. I would say that relationships can survive only by constant healthy communication.

Whenever my husband and I keep saying "I thought you....." I know we have been too busy and there has not been enough healthy communicating, meaning it's time to have a little chat :)

...across the room for a Charlie Brown friendship....

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you. -Charlie Brown to Snoopy”

Doesn't that just give you that warm fuzzy feeling we all love to feel? Isn't that the kind of friend we all want to be able to count on when the going gets rough? Are these not the kind of people we want to be around on the good days too?

Friendships take time to develop. Some people seem to cultivate friendships much faster than others. I do not trust easily so I take my time making friends. When we moved to a new city some years ago I did not know anybody in this new place. It didn't take long to notice that mere acquaintances were referring to me as a friend. I realized then that the definition of what a friend is varies from person to person. My definition of a friend was someone who had proved themselves to me. For me it's all about trust, mutual respect, honesty, loyalty and love. Someone has said that every betrayal begins with trust. When trust is broken it is extremely difficult to re-establish again. It is not impossible but it does take time. I guess that is the reason I don't trust easily. During my life time so far I have experienced what betrayal feels like and I think that I can honestly say it is something I absolutely hate. That's a strong word, I know. Betrayal brings out the worst in people it seems. When it happens the one who is guilty usually does not want to admit even to themselves what they have done. Often that means the pain of the betrayal is made worse by lies to try to cover up the offense. The one who has been betrayed hurts deeply. Good friendships require huge investments. Most often it means investing a lot of our time with that person and taking the risk of sharing thoughts and ideas that one would not share with anyone else. Betraying that kind of trust just simply wrecks a friendship up for a long time and often a life time.

Life is difficult says Scott Peck. How we solve our problems will determine how difficult our lives will be. When a friendship is broken we get to chose how to deal with it. Do we drop the relationship; do we repair it; or do we let it slide and pretend it didn't happen. Personally I would have a very hard time pretending nothing happened and try to continue the relationship. Years ago a friend of mine asked me in a very angry manner to stop doing something I was doing that she did not like. I agreed to stop doing what I was doing even though I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. In fact, I thought I was helping her. I was OK with stopping what I was doing in order to preserve our friendship. What bothered me was the way she spoke to me. She spoke out of anger in a very disrespectful manner and she talked down to me. She never apologized for that and I never forgot it. We are friends to this day but our friendship can only go so far. I can't quite trust her. Sad. I know. I feel like I have to protect myself from her.

When I think about my friends I realize I have many different kinds of friends in my life. Some I have not chosen...they seemed to chose me. These tend to be the more difficult relationships. Others were formed through mutual interests. These are usually easy going, light hearted, and fun but do not lend themselves to meaningful, thought provoking conversation and sharing. The best friendships are the ones that just seemed to happen before I knew what was happening. They are rare, scarce and extremely precious to me. I would do anything for these wonderful people in my life. I will always watch out for them, care for them and love them with all my heart. They have my loyalty, my trust, and my respect. These are the people in my life that I like to have around. Days spent with them are smooth sailing days. They are my Charlie Brown friendships!

...across the room to make good on a promise...

Sometimes the most insignificant deed can turn into a very pleasant "big deal"!

That was my experience today as I made good on a promise to a special friend of mine...a promise made a number of years ago. I remember very clearly the day she so very nicely made her request to some day, when I had time, when I was ready, be given a ride on the back of my Harley Davidson motorbike. Deb lives on the way to one of my favourite coffee/lunch places approximately 35 minutes from my home. We decided that I would pick her up for coffee this afternoon and we would go on my bike! I was not surprised to find her waiting for me wearing a nice pair of jeans (I had nixed the "longer shorts" idea), ankle boots complete with pointy toes and little spikey heels (I said no to gym shoes!), soft caramel coloured lamb skin leather jacket (because I said leather, not fabric) with matching gloves (I said, please wear them even though it's hot outside!), and of course, her designer sunglasses to match her jacket! Always the fashion statement...that's my friend Deb!

She loved the ride, especially on the way back since by then she saw that she could trust my riding skills. Perhaps I put the fear into her by being overly demanding of her riding attire! I think I enjoyed providing the ride as much as she enjoyed being the passenger, but more than that, we both thoroughly enjoyed our two hour visit! One of the greatest blessings in life is to have a friend with whom you can share matters of the heart. Deb is one of those people in my life. There's something very relaxing about knowing you are understood especially when you are sharing rather controversial material. On the flip side it is an honour to be trusted with another persons thoughts and words. When you never have to mention the word confidential you know you are in the company of a very trusting and safe friend.

What started out to be the fulfillment of a promise turned into an amazing afternoon of bonding with an amazing friend!