Sunday, December 14, 2008

...across the room to see the light....

I just reviewed my last post and spent a little time "in it" to allow myself to remember what those days were like. Yes, I am speaking in past tense! This past week, Tuesday, to be exact, I remember clearly feeling a lightness in the very depths of my being and then realizing that the dark, heavy fog I had been in for the past while had lifted. That is not to say that the tears have stopped. I can say though that I know for sure that happiness has found it's way back into my life. I've felt mostly sadness for so long it seemed I had almost forgotten what real happiness feels like. This sadness was not a choice for I would have certainly chosen happiness had I been given the opportunity to chose. The sadness was something that came to visit me for a period of time. It was unwanted and unwelcome like an uninvited house guest who doesn't know when to leave. It stayed for as long as it took for me to do my heaviest grieving. Grieving is hard work. It wears you out physically, mentally and emotionally and it is so important to be able to take the time to do this properly. I am so fortunate to be able to put my life on hold to allow myself to experience this process. Initially it seemed that the only way to keep my head above water was to remember only the good, fun and humor and honor the life of my sister in that way. I would not be very real if I could not admit that there are other thoughts going through my mind that I have to consider if I am going to work through my grief. It seemed a little disrespectful at first but I had to face the fact that no relationship is perfect and that there are usually some regrets to be dealt with when we lose a loved one. The best thing to do is face them head on and not bury them to dig up later. I think it's a choice. We can feel sorry for ourselves, in some cases harbor unforgiveness, grow bitter over things we have no control over or we can chose to do what we can to come to terms with whatever may have been lacking and give our loved one the benefit of the doubt and go on with our lives. At the end of the day it would be good to be able to say that losing one family member was a good reminder to the rest of the family to draw a little closer, be a little kinder, more forgiving, loving and accepting and live in peace and harmony as if each day is our last.


Stacey said...

I am not quite "there" yet but as you say you have had the time without a lot of major distractions. Work and other "life" things can prolong this process as it is doing for me. I hate it when people say time heals. Time doesn't heal only God does. But it's what we do with that time and how we let Him work in us and through us that makes the difference. I have found this with anything difficult I have gone through; divorce, deaths... bascially any kind of loss takes it's toll on you and you must take the time to grieve, learn and choose life. The loss of a loved one never goes away completely. You never 'get over it' (another pet peeve of mine that some people say) but somehow you learn to live around it.

Your honesty is refreshing. We do have the tendancy to put our loved ones on a pedestal when they pass and only talk about the good things. But that is all part of the process. There are times in the journey when that is what you cling to and want to remember. No way is the wrong way. But it's where we all come out at the end that matters.

In the meantime I am still dealing with my "unwanted house guest" (good analogy).

Jobina said...

I'm so glad to hear that that sadness, that one that goes all the way through you, is lifting. It's a dark place to be. Bye bye uninvited house guest! I know that you'll still feel sad sometimes and that your grieving has only begun, but I pray that you will still have that lightness in the very depths of your being.
I love you!

Michele said...

I second Jobina's comment as she speaks far better than I do.

Love you Mom! It was awesome listening to you be your "blond rooted" self on the phone yesterday! I hadn't heard that part of you in a long time and I missed it!

Elayne said...

Oh man! I just went to cheer up a little old lady today and was telling her about my sister with tears streaming down my face!! EVEN SO...that heavyness I talked about is gone. I hope for good but I don't know that for sure. The only way I can describe how I feel is that I feel healed somehow. It's a GOOD feeling!! I wish it for all my family.
Yeah, I guess my blond roots did resurface the other day! Ha!
Laughter is a good medicine!
Thanks for all your comments.