...across the room for a year without Jean.....

One year ago today....my life changed forever as my sister breathed her final breath and joined her son Del and our Mom in glory.

I will never forget that day and the week to follow as we looked after the details of our final good-byes to Jean. What I didn't realize then was that it was not my final good-bye at all. This past year has been filled with constantly having to say good-bye over and over again. I think that is what one has to do to come to terms with a loss. It takes time to let a loved one go and this process WILL not be rushed. This year has been long and without a doubt the most painful and difficult year I have had in all my life.

The text book cycle of grieving got all murky in my life it seemed. The shock and emotional release which most people experience more immediately hit me after I returned home. I put my life on hold to be with my sister most of the last six weeks of her life and I have no regrets about investing that time in her family to support them and to be with Jean even though she may not have known most of the time that I was with her. So I can't say that I have any guilt feelings of regret about needing to do more than I did. What I did find was that even though I thought I had progressed in the cycle of the stages of grief they seemed to need to be revisited and they would even merge and overlap to the point of almost immobilizing me at times. The pain of it all was worse than any physical pain I have ever had to endure.

As the year rolls to an end I am definitely experiencing less of it and am enjoying the memories and pictures without having to cry every time.

What I did for myself this year is try to surround myself with people who did not pretend to know it all. Nor did they try to cheer me up when I was sad, offer cliches or pat answers. Only two people told me they knew exactly how I felt and I immediately forgave them for saying it. Friends simply sat with me, didn't mind being around me in my state, asked me to talk about Jean, and were just simply themselves even though I was not. What a gift they have been to me! And where was God in all of this? Right with me! Holding me and whispering comfort, caring for me and loving me through it. He never left me alone.....never got impatient or angry with me. He just let me walk through at my own pace. To be in His presence has been my refuge, my rest, and my great joy!

I can't say that I ever thought that God was going to heal Jean physically. Her healing had been granted in her spirit the last year of her life. She experienced tremendous spiritual healing and understanding of who God is and she believed He was Sovereign and all-sufficient and had experienced Him as such. She trusted Him with her life. So I felt that He was taking her home to be with Him and spoke with her in that fashion, giving her my blessing to go to be with Jesus and promising her that I would be there for her family as much as they needed me to be and that is what I have been doing this year. I love each one of them as my own and would do anything for them.

Jean, I will always remember you as someone with whom I could share matters of the heart, knowing you would not only understand but have personal experiences very similar and often exactly the same and I miss that so much. I will remember you as the one I could call on to pray for me when I felt I really needed someone on my side and I miss that especially these last two days. I can clearly hear your fabulous hearty laugh as I write this and think about you and it seems like it will be forever until I will hear that again but then I know I can hear it forever! I will mostly remember you for your unwavering love and trust in our most amazing Savior and Lord of our lives, Jesus Christ. I miss you Jean!

...across the room and out the door for fun and laughter....

Today is a very special day.  Bittersweet for me, but a special day nonetheless.  This is my sister Jean's first birthday in heaven.  I wonder if they celebrate birthdays there?  If they do, it will be the best one she has ever had!  I am going to try to make this a day of celebrating rather than a day of tears and sadness.  I did that all day yesterday.  I rode my motorbike for two hours crying most of the time.  Note to self:  Must not cry on motorbike!

I was telling a friend of mine one day that I don't have anything in my possession that belonged to Jean and I really wanted something like that.  She suggested that on her birthday I go shopping and find something that reminded me of her.  So today I am spending time with that friend and I will go shopping to see what I can come up with that reminds me of Jean!  Sounds like a good day to me!

Many times since November when Jean left us for heaven I have spent time looking at pictures of her.  I could never get through them without shedding many tears.  This morning I just looked at a few and the thing that struck me once again is that she is always laughing or smiling big smiles.  Today I want to concentrate on fun and laughter in memory of my dear sister with whom I shared so many good laughs!  Happy Birthday Jean!  I love you and miss you but I know I'm going to see you again to continue our love of laughter!

...across the room to admit my condition....

This business of grieving is a perplexing journey. I'm not the sort of person who likes anything to drag on and on. I get so impatient just waiting for a flu or cold to run it's course so I can get on with life. Well, I've discovered that there is no way to hurry grief along and make it go away. It reminds me of giving birth to a baby. Once the contractions start they will not go away until the baby is born. So it is with grief. Once it starts it has to run it's course.
The perplexing part is that sometimes after a really dark day I might wake up the next morning feeling basically normal again. Then a florist shows up at the door with an amazing bouquet of white roses with one pink rose in the centre. I know what the pink rose is for and I lose it on the spot and cry myself a river of tears once again. Suddenly the loss is so fresh and so huge I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my back. It is too heavy for me to carry that load and then God reminds me that He will carry it and He will also carry me. He has to because I feel unable to walk on my own.
Today I looked at a picture of my sister and for a moment thought "No, it can not be. She can not be gone." Then reality sets in again as I look around the house at the flower arrangements and cards from family and friends, and listen to the comforting music on CD from another friend and I know it is real. And so is this grief journey I am on. How long is this road anyway? From past experience it seems to me it goes on for a long time but eventually the pain subsides and we are left with the memories we love to cherish. But then I have never lost a sister like Jean before so I don't know how long this path is and where it will take me.
It is a lonely road since no one can walk it with you or for you. Yes I surround myself with family and friends who so obviously feel my pain but they cannot walk in my shoes. Our grief journeys are as unique and different as our personalities and relationships with one another. Just as dying is a solo flight, the grieving process is one we journey alone.
I can not imagine doing this without the support and understanding of my wonderful family and my awesome friends. They seem to know when to give me space, when to barge into my life, and when to let me know they are close by. It couldn't get any better than that! I am truly thankful!